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Nov. 4th, 2007 @ 08:35 pm Im calling it a night... cause last night was disgusting
Current Location: My room; My desk
  After sleeping most of the day I was able to move a little better.  My head is still throbbing and I dont know why I do this to myself.  I had every intention to not drink last night.  And the beer spilled on my tile floor is a sticky mess... one I couldnt even deal with at that current time... but that didnt stop me from taking R & R shots.   And then that didnt stop me from dry heaving until 2 in the morning when the latest I can remember is 12.  I have never blacked out before and I think its my body teling me that Im sick of consciously posioning myself.  Im sick of working hard all week at swimm practice and  now knowing that drinking just made me lose a few days of working out with any type of intensity (something Im good at and pride myself in) because I will have to replenish what I spent 4 hours depleting.  I think its bull shit that if Im nt holding a drink it makes other people feel uncomfortable.  Why is that?  Cause I might actually remember what stupid things they said or did.  I dont like not knowing whats going on and Im sick of having a few hours of uninhibited fun when I'll pay for ALL of it the next day and then some more do to unpleseant memories and embaressing moments.  
Last week I drank 4 beers... thats it... just four and I ended up having one of the worst times of my life do to My own actions.  
   Im not looking for anyone to respond to this.  Its just a something I needed to get off my chest.  Ive been saying that I havent wanted to drink... for the past few days while everyone made plans to get wasted.  I would love to hang out more... but I dont think its quality hang out time with 40's in ones hand.  Call me old fashioned but I perfer friends who can remember what happened the night before... and sadly I feel less trustworthy and less of a friend than before.  So what that it was only one time.  One time is all it takes.  
   Im going to do some soul searching and some redefinging of words... like 'fun' .  Im going to take a nice relaxing shower and finish one of my favorite movies:  Aladdin.    Hopefully my lesson  is learned.
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Nov. 3rd, 2007 @ 10:19 pm (no subject)
Current Location: My desk my room
Current Mood: aggravatedand Amused
Current Music: Nsync.... again
My Mom bought me new sheets!  and I cant hardly wait to dive into them!   
So... Im back in my room.    Waiting for my 5 drinks to kick in and wondering why a certain guy is so interested in one girl who poked her head into my and a best friend's (but not THE best friends')  drinking group only to leave agian.  Its upsetting that a guy looks at the person and not the personality and desides if she is within his standards just based on looks (Im just as pretty as her with clear skin... so why cann't anyone see through that and my glasses ( oh and Ive taken a personal count on glasses campared to contacts... and males look at me about 3 x''s more when I wear my contacts rather than glasses...ever heard the phrase....  'guys dont  make passes at girls who wear glasses." ?.)  So what: that I have acne.  Its some thing Ive always had... but My personality is way better... so what gives?

Are all people this shallow?  or will I find love when Im older? 
     And Mister Teacher... Im looking for a response.
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Nov. 3rd, 2007 @ 07:33 pm Day at the pool or peppy Exhaustion
Current Location: My room; My desk
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Nsync

  Because the Olivet ladies swim team has just enough competitors to make a full roster (16ppl)... and most teams (that are competitive) have at least 10 more females than us... I would say that we did really well today!   The part that makes me excited for this season, even though we only had 13 people compete today do to injury or illness, is the fact that every girl gives 110% every time she enters the water just to make up for our teams’ difference.  Today, and Im sure every other meet we go to, we will take pride in our determination. 

  As for me... I did pretty well.  The past two seasons I have taken under ten Not first place finishes all season... in all my combined events.  Today... I took two second places and one first.  Although I raced well... Both, in the 200 and 100 yard races, I was in the lead until the last 50... and 25 yards... depending on the race.  I didn’t ‘die’ my competitor just sped up.  In fact I swam rather consistently.  My times were ok; but not spectacular for me.  And after talking to my coaches and evaluation my time put in the pool I have realized that even though I have swam faster before, this is only the first dual meet of the season; as well as... We, as a team are working on our base work.  That means that we are swimming long hard workouts, not short fast workouts, so that we gain endurance before we start training for speed.   There is a keep phrase in that last sentence... We (the team & I) have yet to start training for speed.  So, the fact that I almost beat two girls who have probably swam 6x's more speed workouts than me is a huge factor in their end of the races.

  The wonderful thing about this new type of training being experienced with this new coach is that even though last year I won my races... I would hardly be able to pull myself out of the pool at the end of any of the races... no matter the distance.  Currently, I and only half a body length away from those first place girls (swimming at there chest) and I feel like Im gliding (which is Awesome!).  I am not about to beat myself up about my times... which are not my best, but still respectable or even fast for others.   I am turning over a new leaf and allowing myself time to get better. Not only does this make me feel better about I’ve actually accomplished (with my times) but it allows me to know that there is a ton of room to grow and get better if I continue to work hard.  
  And our team is working hard!  One Wednesday... our team did an alactic acid swim set... which are all out sprints to get ones body used to the alactic acid that builds up in ones muscles.  Thursday... The guys swim in the morning and did 5,000 yards; and both the guys and the girls swam 7000 at evening practice.  So the guys swam 13000 yards that day.  
  To put this into perspective... 5,500 yards is swimming 3 miles.  For every one mile a person swims is equivalent to running 3.  So the entire team 'ran' 12 miles at our evening practice on Thursday.   
Even though the girls team didn’t swim, we still worked out hard in the morning.... we lifted reps... 4 sets; till the third and forth set we were ‘failing’ (on coaches orders). 

  On Friday we switch morning work-outs (Monday-Thursday’s girls lift, boys swim... and Tuesday-Friday... girls swim, boys lift).  So Friday... the girls put in a few extra miles (3) in the morning as well.   We, as a swim team, we're tired going into the meet today... and our coach told us this will be common for us to do.  So even though both the girls and guys team lost (their first ever in 2 years) I know we have never worked this hard!  And I know that the end of the year will have bigger pay offs than before! So good job to everyone!  I am super proud of us!
  My Mother came today!  And boy have I missed her.  Even though we didn’t get to talk a lot do to the fact that my head was either in water or I was losing my voice cheering for the guys and girls on the team; I am so grateful she came.  She drove a 6 hour round trip to sit in a crowded area for 5 1/2 hours. 

As for her divorce, she seems to be taking it well and even talked to me about my guy situation.  She supports my opinion in not wanting a boyfriend right now, as she feels I should focus on my own personal growth.  I love this about her... because she is so different from her own mother:  who insisted that all women should be feeling privileged to be on a man’s arm.  Well... now that Im in season and my arms are probably bigger than most guys... I don’t feel the need to impress anyone... or need anyone for protection.  ;)

 

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Nov. 1st, 2007 @ 08:52 pm From humping to wondering... Where good conversation and where the Rocky Horror Picture Show take me
Current Location: J's dorm room; circle chair, window.
Current Mood: Random
 Sitting in my friends room.... with J, C, and Sr. M.   They are talking about humping, and the things theyve humped, cars... propain tanks...  doors.  Truthfully my favorite things to hump include people... and not just men; cause my best friends seem to be humped by me all the time, fully clothed and in public.    The things that seem the most inaporpiate, at the most inappropiate times ARE ALWAYS the funniest. 
When Im with my girl friends they think Im one of the funniest people They have ever met; yet, when I hang out with my guy friends... Like Sr. M over here, I get all tongue tied.  Perhaphs I feel its inappropriate to  be so risque when the opposite sex is around.  Too bad... my best comments seem to be inappropiate.   I soppose my being ackward is a defense mechanism.  If a guy can like me while my randomness shows through then perhaphs he comes around for my company rather than trying to get in my pants.   I find myself to be a pretty good conversationalist and I can talk to people for a rather long time, but men... Sometime the conversations seem to dry up.  I soppose true love to me will be someone who can keep himself entertained, on his own, and enjoy good conversation about the things he has experienced...  because Im sick of being the girl.. the talkitive one, and the one the guys look to -> to keep things interesting.I should admit that Im not that great.  THat greatness surrounds me through friendships and interactions with people.  But I still feel that I am no more than a youngling, someone with surious thought.  
I ve been thinking about it... and I would love nothing more than to help people becomebetter thinkers.  Prof. J is my favorite person I have yet to meet on campus and In my life that has cause such fluid thought within myself.  If I could inspire children to think outside the box as he has done with me; a way to examine how I truely feel about subject matter then I would consider my life fullfilling.  But as a Psychologist... I wont be able to give feed back... I just listen.  But as a person I understand that people response better to those that talk with them.  With poeople who communicate and let a person know whether or not there actons were socailly acceptable.  I will just have to sit there.  In the end I would love to teach; but I dont know If I want to teach Psychology.  I want to teach about the world and about world views... but I dont even think Im well versed enough to do that.   Ahhh.. delemais. 
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Nov. 1st, 2007 @ 12:54 am Tonights conversation and the thoughts that follow.
  So J and I made up.  In fact, it was the perfect verbal bashing that I needed.  As females, women respond better to guilt trips and She gave me one.  She asked me how She was supposed to be my best friend when I snap at her after my stupid actions.  Then she asked some pretty personal questions relating to my past where upon answering her she gave me her psycho analysis of me... in a perfectly calm voice.  Not surprisingly... I agreed.  "Do you need to see a counselor?"  She asked.  I replied 'I have been to a few... and they don’t respond, only listen."  Then we agreed that talking about our problems was the best medicine for both of us.  Upon which, we both agreed, again, that if we were any less of friends... something of this magnitude... that ended at 3 o'clock in the morning would have ended any other friendship we have both encountered.  
Her 'verbal bashing' was nothing of the sort, or at least a lot nicer than what the phrase points to.  She looked me in my eyes and calmly told me what was bothering her about my actions. 
In conclusion, and after a few shared smiles, we both agreed that our friendship is stronger and a weight has lifted off my chest. 
This morning I wondered how a friendship could end so abruptly.  And now were sitting together discussing plans for ours and our friend's birthdays.  Planning for the future gives one something to look forward to.  And yet realizing my accomplishment of today's past allows me to see the joyousness in our friendship. She knows me and accepts me for me. She is the first person I have told 'I love you' to besides my mother that I feel truly open with.  Guys always seem to twist my views.  I become a push over in a sense whenever I date some one for to long.  I don’t hang out with my friends and I feel a loss of self.  Because our clash came because of a guy... yet, there has been two or... well...ok, three. I am proud to say that Im taking a reprieve from Males.  Guys here, or, my age, are not yet men, and I don’t care about having to wait or waiting.  In truth: I am happier single.  The first guy of this semester cheated on me for a week and a half before I walked in on him and her together.  The second guy is a good friend of my best friend and now myself, and we both (he and I) would like to remain good friends in order to see if we mesh well,... which is rather mature...  but, doesn’t want to be tied down in his first year in college... which is fine with me, but rather pathetic. My view is: If you like someone, timing doesn’t matter.  J seems to think that Im leading him on, although he repeatedly tells me he doesn’t want to date, whether I bring up the topic or not. The third was a mistake.  One so close to the future I dare not write my indiscretion.  
5:30 comes early and J is almost done winding her ball of yarn.   
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